Last updated: 7/2009

bout attending social events?

Are your social fears interfering with you having a normal social life, school life, work life, romantic life?

I know what it's like: It's tough. I've been there. My name is Paulo Carroca, author of How to Overcome Social Anxiety, and I had social anxiety from the time I was a boy to the time I was twenty six.

And social anxiety cut my life short. I had no friends. I had no social life. I stayed home all the time. In high school I missed the prom and I never dated. I went on my first date when I was twenty?but only because the girl asked me out.

But the lowest point in my life with social anxiety took place on Tuesday October 9, 2001, when I was twenty two and in my fourth year at the University of Toronto. On that day two girls and I were to present a case study on the fast food restaurant Roy Rogers to our Management Accounting class.

On Tuesday morning I was on the subway, scared, on my way to school. A few stops before my stop?St. George Station?I started thinking about skipping the presentation. I can?t go through with this, I thought. But then I thought about the girls. I don?t want to abandon them. I don?t want to leave them hanging. What do I do?

As the subway pulled into St. George Station I was still unsure about what to do: To go or not to go. The subway stopped, the doors opened. I had just seconds to decide, as the doors would soon close. I was shaking.

And a few seconds later the doors closed and the subway pulled out of St. George station?taking me with it.

Later in the day, I emailed one of the girls, writing ?personal reasons? as my excuse for missing the presentation. She emailed me back hours later and her email felt sympathetic. She wrote that she was sorry for whatever personal reasons had caused me to miss the presentation and hoped it wasn't anything serious.

And to my relief she wrote that the presentation took place and that it went well: At about a half hour before the presentation the two girls realized I was a no show?we had planned to meet two hours before the presentation to prepare?so they changed the presentation and presented without me. I was happy for them but disgusted with myself.

I dropped out of Management Accounting after reading the email. I then remembered that my other courses for the semester were all taught in The Rotman School of Management?the same building where Management Accounting was taught.

What if the girls see me there? I thought. What if the professor sees me? What would I say? I would be so embarrassed. So to avoid a potential confrontation with the girls, with the professor, or with the girls and the professor, I dropped out of all my other courses for the semester?and the next.

On that Tuesday I finally admitted that I had a problem, a problem which was crippling my whole life?socially, professionally, romantically. On that Tuesday I realized that social anxiety would cripple the rest of my life?unless I overcame it.

So I finally admitted that I had a problem. But it took me more than two years to seek out a solution: I finally decided to overcome social anxiety when I was twenty four and working full time at a grocery store.

(I went on some job interviews after finally graduating from the University of Toronto with a degree in business; but I was scared and self conscious during the interviews, and I performed poorly, giving brief, rushed, nervous responses, and I never got any of the jobs. Finally I gave up getting a job in business and took the job at the grocery store.)

After deciding to overcome social anxiety I thought about my social anxiety. Why am I so uncomfortable around people? I thought. Why am I so scared of saying something stupid? Why do I worry so much about what others think of me? And an answer came soon enough: Because I have bad social skills.

And I thought it made sense: My social skills were bad. I was bad at small talk, bad at big talk, bad at telling jokes and stories, bad at making friends, bad at keeping friends. Bad social skills, I thought. That has to be it.

So I decided to improve my social skills. I picked up books on how to make small talk, how to make conversation, how to tell jokes and stories, how to make friends. I even picked up a CD with advice on improving communication skills to listen to on the bus ride to and from work.

I read all the books, and every workday I listened to the CD. And I learned a lot. I learned that small talk should be small?simple, neutral, obvious topics. I learned that people cherish their names, so it is important to use and to remember people?s names.

I learned that people love to talk about themselves, so to become great at conversation you must talk to people about themselves and be genuinely interested in what they say.

I learned that asking open ended questions?Why? How come??is better than asking closed ended questions?When? Where??because open ended questions ask for longer answers and keep the conversation rolling.

I then applied the lessons. At work I made small talk with customers, with sales people that came into the store to take orders, with truck drivers that delivered food to the store; and I made sure that my small talk was small.

And I made conversation with coworkers, asking them questions about their hobbies, about their weekends, about their work schedules, about other things; and I made sure those questions were open ended?not closed ended.

So I was talking more, and I felt a little more comfortable around people, but something was still off: When my boss invited me to a pool party at his house I was struck with fear and worry?just like before.

And I never went to the party. I made up an excuse that a close friend was having an engagement party on the day of the pool party (lying to avoid parties was something I did often and got good at).

It was obvious to me that despite my improved social skills, I still had social anxiety.

But I didn?t give up. I read some more about communication and I learned that communication is much more than just words: I learned that most of our communication is voice tone and body language.

No wonder I still have social anxiety, I thought. I have been working on saying the right things, asking the right questions, yet all along my voice and my body have been doing most of the talking. I have been working on the wrong things.

So I decided to improve my voice and my body language. I picked up books on improving body language, on improving personality, on acquiring charisma. I picked up a CD called something like, ?finding your perfect voice.?

I read and read and listened. And again I learned a lot. I learned to walk with a straight posture, with my chin parallel to the ground, with my feet shoulder width apart.

I learned to keep my arms uncrossed while at a social event, because crossed arms sends the message to others that I am unfriendly and uninterested in conversation, while open arms sends the message that I am friendly and interested in conversation.

I learned to smile a lot and to start my smile from my eyes and let it light up my whole face. I learned that the most powerful non verbal message is sent through the eyes, so it is important to look people in the eyes?but not for too long, because that may come across as aggressive or intimidating.

I learned that my voice should come not from my nose or throat but from my chest or abdomen. And I learned that vowels create more rapport than consonants do, so it is important to stretch vowels and soften consonants.

I then applied the lessons. I walked with a straight posture. I smiled more. I spoke from the chest with a deeper voice. I tried to look people in the eyes but would always quickly look away; but I learned a trick of looking between the eyes?on the bridge of the nose?and I tried the trick and it made it easier.

My new posture and my new voice made me feel a little more confident, and smiling more made me feel a little more friendly (though it all felt mechanical and superficial). But despite my new posture, my new voice, my new gleeful face, something was still off:

I skipped a coworkers wedding and the store?s Christmas Party. A few days before the wedding I told the groom that I had to make an emergency trip to Boston on the day of the wedding to take care of some family business (though I had no family or business in Boston). For the Christmas party, I just didn?t show up.

After skipping the wedding and the Christmas party I was frustrated: I had worked hard on improving my social skills?verbal and non verbal?but still l had social anxiety. I didn't know what to do.

But then something occurred to me, and this something made me realize that improving my social skills was not the solution to overcoming social anxiety. What occurred to me?:

I didn't have social anxiety because I had bad social skills;
I had bad social skills because I had social anxiety.

I realized that my social anxiety made me cold and quiet and awkward. I realized that my bad social skills were not the cause but the effects of my social anxiety.

I then remembered a few moments when I was relaxed and confident around people, and during those moments I was friendly and expressive and natural and spontaneous.

I realized that inside of me was a great personality?the real me; and I realized that my social anxiety was blocking this great personality from expressing itself. It was clear:

My task was not to acquire a personality
but to overcome my social fears
and unlock my true personality.

Soon after realizing all this I remembered something I had read in a book on story telling. The author wrote something about getting your intentions straight before telling any story. Intentions, I thought. Perhaps the cause of my social anxiety lies below the surface. Perhaps the cause lies in my mind.

So I decided to learn about the mind. I read psychology books and philosophy books. I read self help books. I read quotations. And after reading a quotation I was sure the cause of social anxiety was in my mind. The quotation:

Fear is only as deep as the mind allows.

? Japanese Proverb

So I was sure the cause of my social fears was in my mind; but I didn?t know what the cause was.

But after more reading, and after analyzing my social fears, I found the cause, the root, of social anxiety; and once I did I was excited, for I knew that once I made the needed changes I would overcome social anxiety.

And after I made the changes, finally?after years of feeling out of place, after years of missing out on life, after years of living in fear and shame?I overcame social anxiety.

WHAT IS LIFE LIKE WITHOUT SOCIAL ANXIETY?
No longer do I fear people, and no longer do I feel disconnected from people?Now I love people and I feel closer to people.

No longer do I fear the negative opinions and negative reactions of others; no longer do I worry about what others think of me; no longer do I crave approval and avoid disapproval.

No longer am I quiet and scared and self conscious?Now I am friendly and confident and expressive.

No longer am I insecure; no longer do I take myself so seriously; no longer do I get easily hurt and embarrassed?Now I am strong and relaxed and playful and secure.

No longer am I afraid of saying something foolish, of doing something foolish, of making mistakes.

No longer do I choose my words and actions with excessive care and concern; no longer do I monitor my every act, my every word?Now I talk and act freely and creatively and naturally and spontaneously.

When telling a joke or story, no longer do I look up at my listeners to check for signs of approval or disapproval?Now when I tell a joke a story, I focus only on the joke or the story and I have no care or concern for how I come across to my listeners.

No longer do I worry about attending parties and other social events, and no longer do I avoid parties and other social events?Now I enjoy going to parties and other social events.

After a party?or other social event?no longer do I replay my behavior from the party, and no longer do I scold myself for doing something or for saying something that I thought was boring or stupid or inappropriate?Now after a party I never waste a thought on my behavior at the party.

No longer am I afraid of meeting new people, and no longer do I worry about making the perfect impression? Now I enjoy meeting new people, and now I am indifferent to my impression.

No longer do I feel watched and judged when walking into a bus or subway or coffee shop or into any public place.

No longer am I afraid of the future?Now I look forward to the future with fever and anticipation.

After overcoming social anxiety I decided to become a Financial Planner: I wanted a job which related to my University degree in Business and which involved working with people. So I enrolled in a post graduate program in Financial Planning at George Brown College in Toronto.

Soon after I was waiting for the subway at Eglinton subway station in midtown Toronto. As I waited an idea leapt to mind: Write a book on how to overcome social anxiety.

Immediately I was filled with a strong purpose and a strong desire to write the book. And soon after I started working on the book full time; and it is now complete.

The book?How To Overcome Social Anxiety?is an ebook which describes The root of social anxiety, which explains how to make the changes I made to overcome social anxiety, which has stories from my life with social anxiety and stories from my life without social anxiety.

DO NOT READ MY BOOK IF:
? Do not read my book if you are looking for a book written by a Psychologist, a Psychiatrist, a Physician, or a Doctor of any kind.

I am NOT a Psychologist.
I am NOT a Psychiatrist.
I am NOT a Physician.
I am NOT a Doctor of any kind.

I am a writer, who lived with social anxiety since he was a boy, who decided to overcome his social anxiety, who found the solution to overcoming social anxiety after reading self help books, after analyzing his social fears, and after reading the thoughts of great minds: Einstein, Emerson, Goethe, Thoreau; a writer who overcame his social anxiety, and who wrote about what he experienced, what he learned, and how he applied what he learned.

? Do not read my book if you are looking for a book with hundreds of pages of information and third party examples.

o How To Overcome Social Anxiety is 55 pages long. And it has no stories about John or Mary. The stories in the book are from my life.

? Do not read my book if you are looking for a book with advice on improving your social skills.

o How To Overcome Social Anxiety has no advice on improving social skills.

o I believe that everyone has a personality inside which is confident and expressive and natural and magnetic. You have it. You know you have it.

But you can?t unlock it by learning superficial social skills and personality techniques. True personality is natural and spontaneous?not learned and mechanical.

True change happens from the inside-out?not from the outside-in. How To Overcome Social Anxiety shows you how to overcome social anxiety from the inside-out using one easy exercise you do alone for only a few minutes a day.

Don't decide now. Just say maybe. Read the book over and if at any time during the 8 weeks you are not completely satisfied with the book, simply email customer service and you will get your money back?no questions asked.
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